why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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