dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
