aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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