I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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