I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
