first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
why is half of my head shaved?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
