Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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