Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
