im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
