apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
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