You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
