Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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