Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
