Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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