Come see our sink grown plant.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just blew my weed a kiss
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
