If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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