Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
