***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
