do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
