Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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