I just saw a hot homeless man
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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