we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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