Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
