Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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