I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
