we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
