Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
