I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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