I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
