Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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