I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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