Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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