the condom got lost in my hair
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
