I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
