i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
