guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Your cock deserves a montage
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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