I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
