Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
