i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
