I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
