saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
