just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
