i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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