Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
