Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I think people are normalizing furries
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
