I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
