don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
