She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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