He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
birth control should be required to get into college
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
