my being single is dangerous.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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