At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
