please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
